Excuse me, I have a planet to save…

But not really. FangBear is all about saving the earth, because without the earth FangBear would have nothing to conquer and rule with an iron paw. So we all need to do our part, but c’mon, you’re too important to be bothered with saving the planet yourself. Everyone can drive a Prius,  grow fertilizer on their counter and refuse to flush three weeks worth of stale urine because they insist it’s sterile and not worthy of flushing! FANGBEAR HATES HIS HIPPY ROOMMATE! SCREW YOU, DARYL! IT”S GROSS!

Instead, let the glorious FangBear show you how to “be green” without the inconvenience of doing anything. The key is in appearances. If you appear to be environmentally conscious - and can effectively flout your moral superiority in that regard- you can shame others into following your lead. 

Greenness is key. Everybody can carry a reusable travel mug to save a paper cup. Or park their Hummer and ride a bike. FangBear has a several gas-guzzling tanks – maybe he could put these away and instead strap a machine gun to a skateboard. But these things take work and are therefore antithetical to everything that is awesome! Besides, you’ll look lame without your hummer (although machine-gun skateboard would be awesome!). Instead, carry a can of green spray paint with you at all times.  Green things up by liberally spraying down everything you encounter. 

With some obvious polluters, like your Hummer, additional steps may be necessary. Fortunately stickers are cheap. Pick up decals containing terms like “hybrid”, “active energy conservation”, “EPA approved” etc… Not only are these useful for heavy energy consuming products, but they can be applied to things that you prefer not to paint. For example, FangBear will slap “hybrid” stickers on everything he rides, like his gas-powered leaf blower, his mega-tank and your Mom.

Beware how others perceive your personal habits. Smoke? Consider switching to marijuana! It’s ‘greener’ than tobacco. According to FangBear’s roomie, Daryl, marijuana is full of natural, medicinal goodness, it grows everywhere naturally and we should all be doing it.  At first FangBear thought Daryl was just being a stupid idiot who doesn’t flush his pee, but the more we sat in the bathroom with a towel under the door burning incense, the more FangBear began to see his point.

Lastly, remember that environmentalists have made it O.K. to hate people. FangBear approves. So when homeless people ask for change on the street, remind them how environmentally insensitive their existence is. They constantly produce CO2, methane and waste precious ethanol that could be used in flex fuel cars. Instead, their bodies could be put to better use as high-nitrogen potting soil. Think about that, local municipal leaders!

Remember, it’s your world, but it is someone else’s problem.

FangBear out!