Fangbear Gets What Fangbear Wants and So Can You!

As Fangbear understands it, you law school jerkburgers are off to the FMC Negotiation Competition in the coming days. That’s nice – you running around trying to fill your resumes with useful gobbledygook ahead of interview season. Fair enough. Being a master of all things evil, Fangbear is a fan of the market economy. Thus, to aid you in you pathetic attempts to succeed in life, let Fangbear guide you through the steps to negotiating well! You’re welcome, dorksticks!

Experts recommend the book “Getting to Yes”. It should be called “Getting to Sleep”. Fangbear wasted 45 seconds of his precious life leafing through that insomnia-buster before moving on to more engaging media – 1998’s The Negotiator starring Samuel L. Jackson and Kevin Spacey. Fangbear thinks it was a documentary.

This is what Fangbear learned.

FMC recommends business attire. Wrong! You’ll need a flak jacket and a bullet proof vest. As soon as you enter the negotiating room, pull out your megaphone and announce to the other side, “LET’S WORK THIS OUT! YOU HAVE TOO MUCH TO LIVE FOR!” This will open the lines of communication and put the other side at ease.

Now the negotiating can begin for real! You want to appear sensitive to their needs, but remain in the dominant position. Books suggest speaking in a measured tone to convey confidence and reasonableness. Fangbear suggests getting up in that pussmonkey’s face and shouting until you deafen them. Either way, arrive hydrated so you can mark your territory at a moment’s notice. By the end of this initial phase, you’ll want to have made you position clear. Ensure your demands are unreasonable.

Now they know what you want, and you know what they want – let the negotiations begin! Offer to send in pizza in exchange for release of the children. If your opposition doesn’t have any child hostages, consider bringing some of your own and trying to convince the other side to give you pizza in exchange for the release of your child hostages, because hey - who couldn’t use a free pizza?

Whenever the opposition asks for a concession, delay them by saying you must first consult a higher authority. Since there is no higher authority in a made-up negotiating problem, stall by telling them you have God on speed dial and then fake five-minute conversation as they sit there annoyed. Eventually they’ll grow tired of you telling ‘God’ about how hard it was to find parking, and they’ll drop the point. Further discourage your opponent by starting a sentence and then trail off and stare into the middle distance in silence. When they start talking, mimic their voices in a high-pitch schoolyard manner.

Lastly, we have the termination phase. Point out the weakness of the opposition’s position, demands and haircut. Reassert the veracity of your position by swinging a baseball bat around and then ask the adjudicator how much they enjoy having an un-dented skull.

Implement these simple strategies and you can’t lose! And if you do lose, it’s your own fault.

Excuse me, I have a planet to save…

But not really. FangBear is all about saving the earth, because without the earth FangBear would have nothing to conquer and rule with an iron paw. So we all need to do our part, but c’mon, you’re too important to be bothered with saving the planet yourself. Everyone can drive a Prius,  grow fertilizer on their counter and refuse to flush three weeks worth of stale urine because they insist it’s sterile and not worthy of flushing! FANGBEAR HATES HIS HIPPY ROOMMATE! SCREW YOU, DARYL! IT”S GROSS!

Instead, let the glorious FangBear show you how to “be green” without the inconvenience of doing anything. The key is in appearances. If you appear to be environmentally conscious - and can effectively flout your moral superiority in that regard- you can shame others into following your lead. 

Greenness is key. Everybody can carry a reusable travel mug to save a paper cup. Or park their Hummer and ride a bike. FangBear has a several gas-guzzling tanks – maybe he could put these away and instead strap a machine gun to a skateboard. But these things take work and are therefore antithetical to everything that is awesome! Besides, you’ll look lame without your hummer (although machine-gun skateboard would be awesome!). Instead, carry a can of green spray paint with you at all times.  Green things up by liberally spraying down everything you encounter. 

With some obvious polluters, like your Hummer, additional steps may be necessary. Fortunately stickers are cheap. Pick up decals containing terms like “hybrid”, “active energy conservation”, “EPA approved” etc… Not only are these useful for heavy energy consuming products, but they can be applied to things that you prefer not to paint. For example, FangBear will slap “hybrid” stickers on everything he rides, like his gas-powered leaf blower, his mega-tank and your Mom.

Beware how others perceive your personal habits. Smoke? Consider switching to marijuana! It’s ‘greener’ than tobacco. According to FangBear’s roomie, Daryl, marijuana is full of natural, medicinal goodness, it grows everywhere naturally and we should all be doing it.  At first FangBear thought Daryl was just being a stupid idiot who doesn’t flush his pee, but the more we sat in the bathroom with a towel under the door burning incense, the more FangBear began to see his point.

Lastly, remember that environmentalists have made it O.K. to hate people. FangBear approves. So when homeless people ask for change on the street, remind them how environmentally insensitive their existence is. They constantly produce CO2, methane and waste precious ethanol that could be used in flex fuel cars. Instead, their bodies could be put to better use as high-nitrogen potting soil. Think about that, local municipal leaders!

Remember, it’s your world, but it is someone else’s problem.

FangBear out!

McFangBear's Guide to Surviving the Recession - Step 1

Go to your local library. They are a great source of information on money management, credit counseling and info on new career paths. Collect the books you want.

Now, go to reference section, pile the Encyclopedia Britannica together in the centre of the room and proceed to light these books on fire. As the librarians rush to attend to the fire, gather your books and calmly exit the premises without the hassle of membership dues or late fees. Remember, you're too important to be bothered with rules other people follow.

Review these books at your leisure, or not, whatever, it's not like you paid for them. Books are a lot like children or old people - they're best seen and not heard. Just pile them on a shelf somewhere and let people think you've read them.

Now that you're educated, you may proceed to step 2!

Guide to Surviving the Recession

People always ask FangBear, "Oh FangBear, where have you been?" The truth, loyal FangBearers, The great glorious one has been looking for a job. That's right. The economy has been hard on all of us, especially despotic bears.

But I've been laying low, studying hard, meditating daily, surviving on a diet of nothing but raw eggplant, and now am ready to lead my flock of hangers-on out of the desert of macoaroni dinners and into the promise land of higher grade macaroni dinners. I present to the world -- The C. McFangBear Guide to Surviving the Recession!